RETURN TO HOMEPAGE

WHY BREAK THE NUMBERS DOWN?

The Box Office numbers determine our movie future. If Hollywood was a democracy, the way we spend our money at the ticket window would be our vote.

As much as we want to believe that movies are made, stories are chosen in order to nurture the human soul, the primary motivation is $$$$$$. Not that Hollywood has been hiding that fact, it’s been called “Show Business” since the beginning.

The B.O.B. is here to reveal the ramifications of our weekly movie viewing cash-paying, project-rewarding decisions. More than ever Hollywood is following the dollars. If it makes money, expect more of that type of film. So, if the numbers are in, there’s just one thing left for us to do...BREAK IT DOWN!

2005 AUDIENCE GIVES BAD MOVIES BOX OFFICE BLUE BALLS

OH, AND PRETTY PLEASE ADD THE WORD MILLION TO THE END OF THE NUMBERS BELOW

  Audience Could Have Blue Balled More

Oh, so close!

A little more restraint, discipline and will power and these monstrosities couldn’t have been staked through the heart.

But, like the hero of a cliche horror movie, the audience did damage but not enough for final kill. The camera dollies to reveal the eye opening or the hand twitching! There is life. There may be sequels. (Collective sigh)

Other Movies That May Spawn Again

Sahara.............................................$68

Cheaper by the Dozen 2.................$66

The Amityville Horror..................... $64

White Noise.....................................$55

The Family Stone............................$53

Miss Congeniality: Armed and Fabulous.........................................$49

$62

$45

$55

$32 

    What Was The Audiences Thinking?

$234

$177

Lets look towards our feet, put our hands in our pockets and shake our heads in collective shame.

We failed pretty bad here.

Yeah, these really not so very good movies made some pretty very good great money.

What can we learn from this defeat? We like Cruise, Spielberg, Smith, Disel and Alba’s T&A.

Let’s remember that talented people who did well in the past, don’t automatically mean they’re future projects are automatically made from gold.

Other Movies That Made Too Much

Madagascar.......................................$193

The Longest Yard.............................$158

Chicken Little....................................$132

Monster-In-Law.................................$82

The Dukes of Hazard.........................$80

$154

 $113

Four Brothers....................................$74

When Star Wars VII, VIII and IX come out - because it makes too much money not to continue - we will be equally helpless in our cultural obligation to see them. But secretly we will hope that they will be energized by the magic of the original trilogy. That they will inspire and awe the audiences imagination and heart.

In many ways going to a Star Wars movie is like going to a Rolling Stones concert. You wanna see them while their still alive and you wanna hear the old stuff cause even though they’re technically putting out “new” albums, it doesn’t compare, it can’t.

You go to remember when “the force” was strong with this one because you realize that it isn’t now, and like the Rolling Stones once wrote and the fate Yoda accepted but Luke grieved over, we hope it will Not Fade Away.

Audiences Did Great!

Not only did audiences reject bad movies they also recognized, embraced and rewarded the good ones.

Here is the standard Audience Box Office Behavior that we need more of in 2006.

Because H-Wood is all about the dollas, sequels may be on order, let’s hope the same creators will be involved for quality not B. O. quantity control.

As the 2005 numbers show, audiences know the difference.

$209

$205

Audience Deserves Congrats For

$109

$77

Charlie and theChocolate Factory.....$206

Mr. and Mrs. Smith.............................$186

Walk the Line......................................$95

Sin City................................................$73

The Interpreter.....................................$72

Cinderella Man....................................$61

Crash...................................................$53

Could Have Supported More

Maybe to wierd or obscure looking, audiences stayed away for the most part sticking their toes in instead of plunging into these unknown waters.

With DVD rentals eliminating major lifetime loss audiences may rent and be surprised to learn that these were some really great, unique, exilleratingly orginal film worthy of big screen viewing.

May 2006 be the year movies like these rake in the cash.

Remember, money talks. Supply does meet demand. Let’s allow the dead presidents to speak on our behalf. Reward good movies and good movies will reward us by being green lit.

Go See More Movies LIke These

The Constant Gardener....................$33

A History of Violence........................$31

Good Night and Good Luck.............$24

Millions.............................................$6

2046....................................................$2

Palindromes.......................................$1

Nine Lives.........................$200 THOUSAND

REPERCUSSIONS OF 2005 BOX OFFICE ON NEAR MOVIE FUTURE

More Penguin movies!

Micheal Bay is on probation. If his next movie isn’t a hit, he’ll be making music videos on his Mac using Final Cut. His future is in your hands audience members.

Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are the new Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin....they were a comedy team in the 50’s...oh, forget it! They’re the new Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan...they were a comedy team in the 90’s...oh, forget it!

2005 ASS-VERTISMENT BOX OFFICE NUMBERS

No Hottie Part is used in the marketing of a movie more than the ass.

Ass-vertising has been a recent trend in trying to hook those would be full-price paying audience members into making a trip to the theater or buying the DVD too add to the home collection where shots of the ass can stay frozen in a freeze frame fantasy time warp.

In 2K5 there was really just two major asses going to battle to create ass-awareness in the ass-fan population.

Jessica Simpson’s Ass was hyped like the first space shuttle launch and much made of her “hard work” in getting it shaped like a Michaelangelo sculpture so it would fit into the legendary Daisy Dukes - a major cinematic responsibility.

Jessica Alba’s Ass however, seems to just naturally be plump, firm and ripe as a George Washington Apple. Apparently she didn’t have to do any working out at all (that bitch!).

This failure can only be blamed on the market department, not on the Alba ass...so the ass-vertisers would have us believe.

TMPC postulates another theory - that audiences managed to keep the blood flowing to Head #1 and not be ruled by the ass-vertisers attempt to divert movie paying money decision making to Head #2.

However, with one ass-movie making a butt-load of money and the other making sh#t, the hypothesis that audiences have become to smart for ass-vertising doesn’t hold up.

Proof may surface in 2K6 when audiences are put to the test again. No doubt there will be a few instances of ass-vertising that will afford an opportunity for this theory to be tested.

In the meantime, if anyone is wondering, the all time Ass-Box Office Queen is Ass Zeta-Jones, belonging to Cathrine Zeta-Jones (well, Michael Douglas now, he liked it so much he married it) from the movie Entrapment - also known as Encrapment.

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD?

Since one person’s garbage is another person’s treasure, it is clear as to what is good and bad.

For every audience member who has sought therapy to erase the memory of having seen Chill Factor, there’s a legion of fans who have the Chill Factor Collector’s Edition DVD on the mantel above the fireplace next to the family portrait.

In order to categorize anything there needs to be agreed upon criteria. Acting “like this” is good, acting “like that” is bad.

Once that’s in place it becomes possible to now judge what is good and what is bad.

Let’s check the TMPC Dictionary:

Why did we go to the movies in 2005?

Escapism - 50 %

Ponder Social Issues the movie raises in a thoughtful non-preachy yet entertaining way - 1%

Answer cell phone -10%

DVD player broken - 11 %

Make out with girlfriend and pretend she’s Jessica Alba while watching Jessica Alba movie - 10%

Pirate recording the movie - 9%

Jessica Simpson’s Ass - 9%

C

C

CONTACT TMPC

COMMENTS@THEMOVIEPREVIEWCRITIC.COM